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The Struggle is real

Why the fuck do I do this to myself???

I was going so well, and then totally stuffed it up when I came home from holidays… I had no desire to drink while we were away. I knew that being home alone is the biggest trigger for me, but having 2 weeks away without any cravings or desire to drink, I thought the hump was over.

Yeh, no! Straight back into it..

On Thursday night I totally over did it. My husband knew as soon as he walked in the door that I was drunk. (5pm ffs) I put myself to bed, and spent the next couple of hours sobbing my heart out. I knew what I had done, I knew how it made him feel. He was disgusted and disappointed with me… as I was myself.

The next morning he asked me when I was moving out, he was done. He said he hated how that I drank the way I did, he hated that I smoked cigarettes (a secret that I thought that I hid well from him) and he hated that we didn’t talk anymore.. He then went off to work. All that day I was an absolute mess. He came home briefly and got changed to go to golf with his mates mid afternoon, not a word was exchanged between us. I knew he wouldn’t be home for hours, and I knew he would drown his sorrows, ironically with alcohol.

I already felt like shit, so I thought, fuck it! I went to town and bought some more wine. Thankfully I was in bed before he got home.

Yesterday was difficult to say the least. Our daughters had purchased us a family photo shoot for my Christmas present in 2019, and because of Covid we couldn’t have it last year, but we finally could do it yesterday. Have you tried to get someone to look at your lovingly when all they feel is disappointment? Thankfully the sneak peek of the photos didn’t show that. He is finally warming up, He watched as I threw my cigarette stash away, and has seen that I have bought aids to help me quit.. I also showed him all of my hidey holes where I stashed the wine, and embarrassingly where all my empty wine bottles were hidden.

I have to do this. I have been very slack with following the program that I wrote about in earlier posts. I have no excuses. I need to get my shit together with the program.

I need to save my life and marriage to the man that I love..

I know I need to stop beating myself up about this. But knowing that I might loose the love of my life after 34 years will break me.

D xx

Day 7…. yahooooo!

I am so god damn proud of myself! 7 days, 1 whole week!

I couldn’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt like this! I have so much more energy. I wish I was at home instead of holidays, there is so much that I have to do there. Things that I have put off because I had zero energy, I was only doing what I had to in regards to housework because I awoke every morning foggy from the night before. Laziness caused by the dreaded wine.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying my time on our boat and catching up with our friends. I know this is where I need to be right now, as home alone and bored is a huge trigger for me. This is my time to take in and process all the information from the program that I am in.

I haven’t had a craving for anything alcohol related since I got here. Even though there is wine in the fridge that my Sister In Law left behind, and also vodka (my go too if the wine is all gone) I’m happy sipping on my sparkling water with fresh lime while hubby is having an afternoon beer with our cheese platter in the afternoons. I would normally have a glass (or 10) of sparking wine as we watched the sun go down over the ocean.

I know I’ve got this. One day at a time.

D xx

Detoxing

Omg! One thing I didn’t know about detoxing from alcohol was the horrendous amount of vile smelling flatulence that I would have. Oh boy, talk about stomach churning!

I can physically feel my stomach deflating after every episode. I thought it was because I was actually eating, instead of filling myself up with wine.

I did a bit of a google doctor search and it’s apparently my gut healing after 10+ years of consuming alcohol daily. I asked on my Live Alcohol Experiment page whether it was normal. I had lots of chuckles reading everyone’s responses. Yep! Apparently I am not alone!

It was suggested that I get some probiotics, so I started them last night. Hopefully it stops soon, I need to save my marriage 😂😂😛

On another note, I’ve noticed my sleeping is getting better. I’m finally getting some deep sleep and more than 1 REM nightly. I’m hoping it gets better soon! Tired and cranky Donna is not very pleasant to be around. 😖 😝

I’m so excited that I’ve made day # 6

One day at a time

D xx

Day 3

It’s 4am. Instead of waking up with the terrible guilt of drinking to blackout, I’m waking with the intense need to use the bathroom. I can handle that. I just need to be able to go calm the mind so I can go back to sleep. I’ve always been an early riser,

Not drinking while on the boat with my husband has been relatively easy. He’s not a big drinker. I did get up from a nap yesterday afternoon and ‘caught’ him drinking a beer. He was so apologetic and said he thought he could sneak one in before I woke up. I told him he didn’t have to do that. It’s my problem not his.

I actually got to have a conversation with him about where I’m at and the program that I’m doing. He then went on to tell me about a mutual friend that got sober last year and how he did it. I had a little giggle and said I already knew as we were both part of a group where he had been posting his journey and that we had already had a conversation or 3 about it. He was a bit put out that I didn’t tell him earlier, but hey, it’s not my story to tell. He understood that.

Being away on the boat has really pointed out that my trigger is been at home, bored and lonely. I’ll have to work on that when I get home.

I’m a bit behind with watching my coaching videos and journaling but hopefully I’ll get caught up,today while hubby does some fishing.

I have spent a lot of time reading memoirs (thank you for instant downloads on my iPad lol) of getting sober. I’m getting lots of inspiration from them. I thank god that I was never as bad as some of the stories that I’ve read, but if they can get sober after all that, then I CAN TOO! Any suggestions on a good read?

One Day at a time.

D x

I’ve fucked up again

PLEASE EXCUSE THE LANGUAGE ON THIS POST

When will this shit stop? I had wine last night, and again today……. I am so fucking disgusted with myself. but I can’t stop… I want to do this…I need to do this!

Craig is at golf again this afternoon, that is the bored and lonely feeling back again….. so with in a an hour of him going to golf, I was at the bottle shop. What is with that shit?

Tomorrow Craig and I are going on holidays…. on our boat. He will be there 24/7 and no chance for me to duck off to the bottle shop to get more wine, as there are no bottle shops in the middle of the ocean! I am looking forward to it…… no access, and Craig has said that he isn’t bring any alcohol on the boat either.. I NEED this, I need to be removed from it all. I need to be away from the temptation!

I am writing this post for me to look back on, to see how I have finally got through this.. And I know I will…

One day at a time

D xx

Goodbye 2020

If you are like me, you are glad to see 2020 end. While the pandemic didn’t really affect me. Apart from having to go in to a 2 week quarantine when I got home from India and having my daughter and grand daughters move in with us while she worked from home.

I am looking forward to 2021 to being a sober one, a new beginning. Over the last couple of weeks I have been reading this book

This Naked Mind cover art

All I can say is WOW! I am not sure where I saw it recommended but I am so glad that I saw it. They have a facebook group which I found full of information. I then stumbled across the free 30 day Alcohol Experiment, so I signed up. You receive daily videos on email and access to a member only website with journalling prompts. And Annie also has a podcast that I listen to when I am in the car.

Through that group I found the 30 alcohol experiment – live. For $US 49 dollars you have more access to help and support. The Facebook group is fantastic, World wide members all going through the same journey with you. As well as mentors and coaches for you to reach out too if you need a bit more help.

Today is day one… what a way to start the year! I’m excited! I know I can do this.

Here’s to a sober 2021!

D x

A visit to my GP

Today I went to see my GP, I was due for my depression and blood pressure medication prescription repeats and I confessed to him about how much I was drinking. Boy that was hard, he has been my GP for over 20 years. I have lied to him about how much I drank. I remember reading my last referral to a specialist where it said I only drank once a week or less and thinking that how wrong that was.. But I still didn’t tell him the truth.

We have increased my depression meds back to what they were earlier in the year and he also prescribed me Campral. It is used to stop the cravings of alcohol. That is what I was hoping he was going to do.

I am a researcher, I have to find information about anything that is going on with my life. Even researching menus for the restaurants that I am going to… That is my need to be in control! I NEED to know!

I have done research about Alcoholism, I have read lots of stories and read lots of books. I stumbled across a website or maybe a blog post about the different meds that you can take to help with recovery. One of the ones that I can take with all my other meds is Campral. I have read lots of stories where it has helped in recovery.

Another big thing I did today was join the Naked Mind Experiment. It is a program by a recovered Alcoholic Annie Grace. I have all of her books and they really ring true to me. https://learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration

You receive daily emails with videos to guide you through each day. There is also journal questions for you to answer about how you are doing and a space to enter your thoughts that you can go back and see in the future. It is also a community that you can post and reply to other posts.

Between that, my new medications and my therapy I am hopeful for recovery. I need to do this for me, I want to live again!

One day at a time

D x

Social Media

Wow! As struggling alcoholic trying to get sober I was gob smacked today with the amount of ads that I had on facebook and Instagram about alcohol . I have joined lots of Alcohol addiction groups for support and listening to other peoples stories and how they got through it. I couldn’t believe how many ads there were.

Maybe everyone has had them for this time of year…. but fuck me.. I don’t need to see them.

Let’s talk about Facebook memories

Another stab to the heart. Everyday I look at them there is at least 1 or 2 (ok 3) of me posting about having a wine at the end of the day , or it is a friend posting a meme on my page about having a wine. Looking back at those memories of FB has been a a big reality check to me. People identify me with having a wine glass in my hand. It has made me sad and ashamed of that.

Alternative Day

I had my one bottle of wine last night and I felt like I was climbing the walls when I finished it. I knew I had another bottle but I was determined not to drink it. I promised myself that I wouldn’t. I took that as a step forward to my sobriety. Not giving in.

My husband knew I had been drinking last night , and I know that upsets him. Understandably so. He hates seeing me in that state. I was nowhere near as drunk as I was usually. He asked me this morning why I was drinking last night. I told him ‘I have no control, it’s fucking hard!!’ I don’t know if it was what I said or that he’s been talking to someone, but he just carried on like he normally would. Strange after he hadn’t been talking to me since I got drunk on Monday night. Maybe he finally gets it, having addiction is hard work….and fighting it and overcoming it is harder!

I know I have a long hard road ahead of me. But as the saying goes

So that other bottle of wine is in the house. So, I opened it. I feeling pissed at myself for doing so. But it’s still not stopping me. One bottle is better than two yeh?

One day at a time

D x

A visit with my psych

Today was my 3rd visit. I love talking to her, she gets me. I told her about the weekend we had away and how hard it was with everyone drinking around me. She was proud and also amazed that as an alcoholic, I managed not to drink while everyone else was.

On our last session I told her I had to be totally alcohol free, NOW! She had concerns with that. She said ‘how can someone who has drank hard for nearly 20 yrs just stop??’ I said I have too, to save me and to save my marriage to the man I love.

We came up with a plan to reduce my consumption. The plan was to drink every second day and only to buy one bottle of wine on that day.

We also talked about what’s going on with my thoughts, and how to remove myself from them. Just take a breath, notice them and then know I’m not in control of them. And notice how my body reacts to them.

I hold all my tension in my shoulders. I blamed it on my ridiculously large breasts, but I also knew that’s where I would channel it too. She asked when there was a time when they weren’t so bad. That time has been once a year when I travel overseas with my beautiful friend Colleen. We have done a yearly trip overseas

For the last three years, I have come back fulfilled, and content. I wasn’t just a mother or wife, I was a world traveler. My time was now. My girls are grown, they have their own lives and families. It’s time for me.

Colleen and I would come home and start thinking about our next trip. Well, COVID fucked that up.

But that time for me means hiding away and drinking by myself. Every day. I recognise that being home alone, isolating myself is a trigger. How do I get past that?

Truth now. My plan was just to buy one bottle of wine when I went to town. Before I even stopped my car in the bottle shop, they had my two bottles of the usual, ready and waiting for me. So of course I bought them both.