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The start of my recovery from alcoholism

October 1, 2020

Hello, I’m Donna and I am a alcoholic.

Hi there, a bit about me to start. I am 49 years old and live in country Queensland, Australia. We have a rural block just on the outskirts of town.

I am a mother of 2 girls (Kirsten and Amanda) and have two gorgeous grand daughters, 4 & 1, and I have one amazing son-in-law.

My husband and I have been married for 26 years last month, we are childhood sweet hearts who met in high school.

Here we go……… story.

I have suffered depression since 2001. My husband bought a new business 2 hours away and moved there to run the business for 10 months while we were preparing our current site to move the plant and equipment needed for the expansion.

I was home with a 2 and 4 year old while working full time at home doing home day care. After 4 months I started struggling with doing it all by myself. I had bouts of depression earlier over the years and stuck my head in the sand and didn’t seek help…… But I needed help this time.

I quit my job after seeing my GP, and focused on my family and my recovery. And then I started drinking and drinking. I was a social drinker before that, now I was drinking at home alone.

At the start it was just a couple of glasses of scotch a night. I’m not sure when it escalated to out of control..

The last 4 years have been one big binge. Drinking at least a bottle and a half of wine. I would be in bed by 6:30 every night. I would wake up the next morning not really remembering going to bed. I ask my husband something in the morning and he would look at my in disgust and he would tell me that he told me that last night….. “Gee that wine is a good isn’t it? ” he would say. I then started not asking him anything, I didn’t want the judgement from him. This led to a communication breakdown between us. Every morning when I would wake up I would be disgusted with myself, telling myself that I wouldn’t drink that night. Until 3 o’clock…. I found myself watching the clock waiting for that time to roll around, sometimes I started earlier, because, it was nearly 3 right?

I would slam that first bottle down in just over an hour, I would prep dinner, and keep drinking. By the time my husband got home I was plastered, if he was working back, the 2nd bottle would be gone too. I would hide my wine glass so he couldn’t find it.

The next morning I would find that glass behind the coffee machine. I would be disgusted in myself all over again.

About 12 months ago my daughters sat me down and told me that they were worried about me and my drinking. I got angry with them, I don’t have a problem was going through my mind. Even when my daughter told me that she wouldn’t leave the girls with my overnight by myself because I would be too drunk to attend to them. It hurt, but it didn’t stop me.

Fast forward to 9 days ago, it was the night before our anniversary. I was drunk when my husband got home from work. I had left a message for someone to call my back about something I wanted done at home. He rang at 6, I couldn’t even have a conversation with him. My husband snatched the phone off me to finish the conversation. I have no memory of that phone call. I went to bed straight after. After he finished that call, he came into me and told me that if I kept it up, there wouldn’t be another year to celebrate let alone 26.

I laid in bed in tears. I messaged my best friend (my drinking partner) who is now sober and going to AA and asked for help. When she got the message she rang me. My husband still had my phone so he answered it and put it on speaker phone. I barely remember their conversation but I do remember how worried about me. She messaged me an told me that she would be here at 7:30 the next morning.

I was up and showered and ready for her when she arrived. I knew it was time to do something. She convinced me to come to her women’s only AA meeting in our next town. I said I would, Lots of tears were shed by both of us that morning. She kept in constant contact with me during the day.

That afternoon was relatively easy when it came to wine o’clock. I took myself outside and spent 2 hours in the garden. By then Craig was home. I was feeling great! I kept telling myself that I have got this. He hovered over me all night, asking me if I was ok…. he drove me mental!

The next day was Friday. Craig usually goes to golf with his mates after work, he didn’t want to go. I made him, I told him I didn’t need a baby sitter, and he was smothering me. Off he went. And then the cravings started. I went out to the garden again, but it didn’t work. All I could think of was a nice cold glass of wine. I came inside and jumped on the computer and started researching alcoholism.

I found this on Pinterest and it just smacked me in the face.

Roll on the rest of the weekend, I looked at the quote about 10 times over the weekend. It helped me get through the cravings.

I was lucky enough that I didn’t have any detox symptoms except being exhausted.

Wednesday arrived and I was sick to the stomach all day. Tonight was going to be my first AA meeting. I spent the day on the couch researching online about what happens at your first meeting. I logged into a women’s only 24 hour online AA meeting. I’m like What the fuck???? This is nothing like me! I logged our after only 5 minutes. I remembered then what Kylie told me, look for similarities to your story no differences, and that made sense.

3 o’clock was here, instead of craving a drink, I jumped in the shower and then picked Kylie up and we headed off. After some retail plant shopping it was time to go to my first AA meeting.

I was so nervous and still sick to the stomach, but I was here. Wow! I was so surprised about how they welcomed me with open arms. The leader told me that I didn’t need to speak tonight, I told her I wasn’t going to.

I sat back close to tears the whole meeting, but I took everything in. I walked out feeling good, knowing that I wasn’t alone in my journey. I also bought my AA big book and told the girls that I would be back next week!

Even though I was apprehensive I was so glad that I had gone. I’m so happy that I have my bestie there holding my hand, I don’t think I would have gone to a meeting by myself.

I have joined a few women’s only Facebook groups where they share their sobriety stories. I have yet to share, but I am sure once I feel comfortable with them I will.

Every afternoon has been a struggle, but my garden has never looked so good lol

Today is the start of day 8, and I decided to start this blog to keep myself accountable and to also read back on how far I have come.

Donna xx

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  1. Hey Donna, it’s good you have decided to make changes in your life. I am struggling with my own demons, but have decided that alcohol is a total waste of life. Good that you are getting help from others. Realize that there are things in life that give you true satisfaction, and that a bottle of wine is nothing but a crutch that will break on you every time. Take care.

  2. Hi Donna – welcome! Your story is very familiar – well done for 8 days – the first part is the hardest I think and as you go on the benefits get so much more obvious. There will be lots of sober firsts ahead and you’ll learn a lot about yourself but for me and I hope for you the best change is my relationship with my adult daughters – they respect me more and I respect myself a lot more – lots of support to be found on here! Xx

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