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A visit with my psych

December 9, 2020

Today was my 3rd visit. I love talking to her, she gets me. I told her about the weekend we had away and how hard it was with everyone drinking around me. She was proud and also amazed that as an alcoholic, I managed not to drink while everyone else was.

On our last session I told her I had to be totally alcohol free, NOW! She had concerns with that. She said ‘how can someone who has drank hard for nearly 20 yrs just stop??’ I said I have too, to save me and to save my marriage to the man I love.

We came up with a plan to reduce my consumption. The plan was to drink every second day and only to buy one bottle of wine on that day.

We also talked about what’s going on with my thoughts, and how to remove myself from them. Just take a breath, notice them and then know I’m not in control of them. And notice how my body reacts to them.

I hold all my tension in my shoulders. I blamed it on my ridiculously large breasts, but I also knew that’s where I would channel it too. She asked when there was a time when they weren’t so bad. That time has been once a year when I travel overseas with my beautiful friend Colleen. We have done a yearly trip overseas

For the last three years, I have come back fulfilled, and content. I wasn’t just a mother or wife, I was a world traveler. My time was now. My girls are grown, they have their own lives and families. It’s time for me.

Colleen and I would come home and start thinking about our next trip. Well, COVID fucked that up.

But that time for me means hiding away and drinking by myself. Every day. I recognise that being home alone, isolating myself is a trigger. How do I get past that?

Truth now. My plan was just to buy one bottle of wine when I went to town. Before I even stopped my car in the bottle shop, they had my two bottles of the usual, ready and waiting for me. So of course I bought them both.

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