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The Struggle is real

January 24, 2021

Why the fuck do I do this to myself???

I was going so well, and then totally stuffed it up when I came home from holidays… I had no desire to drink while we were away. I knew that being home alone is the biggest trigger for me, but having 2 weeks away without any cravings or desire to drink, I thought the hump was over.

Yeh, no! Straight back into it..

On Thursday night I totally over did it. My husband knew as soon as he walked in the door that I was drunk. (5pm ffs) I put myself to bed, and spent the next couple of hours sobbing my heart out. I knew what I had done, I knew how it made him feel. He was disgusted and disappointed with me… as I was myself.

The next morning he asked me when I was moving out, he was done. He said he hated how that I drank the way I did, he hated that I smoked cigarettes (a secret that I thought that I hid well from him) and he hated that we didn’t talk anymore.. He then went off to work. All that day I was an absolute mess. He came home briefly and got changed to go to golf with his mates mid afternoon, not a word was exchanged between us. I knew he wouldn’t be home for hours, and I knew he would drown his sorrows, ironically with alcohol.

I already felt like shit, so I thought, fuck it! I went to town and bought some more wine. Thankfully I was in bed before he got home.

Yesterday was difficult to say the least. Our daughters had purchased us a family photo shoot for my Christmas present in 2019, and because of Covid we couldn’t have it last year, but we finally could do it yesterday. Have you tried to get someone to look at your lovingly when all they feel is disappointment? Thankfully the sneak peek of the photos didn’t show that. He is finally warming up, He watched as I threw my cigarette stash away, and has seen that I have bought aids to help me quit.. I also showed him all of my hidey holes where I stashed the wine, and embarrassingly where all my empty wine bottles were hidden.

I have to do this. I have been very slack with following the program that I wrote about in earlier posts. I have no excuses. I need to get my shit together with the program.

I need to save my life and marriage to the man that I love..

I know I need to stop beating myself up about this. But knowing that I might loose the love of my life after 34 years will break me.

D xx

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