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life gets in the way

I said that I was going to post everday. But since I said that I was without internet. So not post. But I have been home for 24 hrs, and I have been thinking about what I what I would say

I have just spent the last 3 days on our boat with some good friends of ours. Our dinking friends. I struggled with that… struggled big time. Saturday lunch time was the hardest, they were all opening beers and I had a enormous craving for a drink. So much I was in tears. My husband made me a mocktail and that got me through. I was fine then.

Roll I’m until last night. The craving was overwhelming. Being home alone all day is my trigger. I tried to distract myself, using the strategies that my councillor and I spoke about, but I failed. I drove to town and bought a bottle of wine. I would usually buy 2, but I made myself to inky buy one. By dinner time I was fairly charged. And of course my husband noticed. Words were said and I put myself to bed in tears.

He doesn’t understand addiction, he thinks that I can just snap my fingers and it’s gone. He has been the same with my depression, he just doesn’t understand it. I don’t know how to explain it to him, I don’t understand it myself.

Today is a new day and I’ll be home alone. I will get through this. I have too.

One day at a time

D x

A new beginning

It’s been 2 months since my last post. Those two months have been bloody hard. I’ve slipped back into my old ways…hard! I followed lots of blogs and Facebook groups which I’ve had to unfollow because the whole not drinking thing has totally consumed me. It’s all I think about, it’s doing my head in. As I’ve mentioned before, I suffer depression, and this road has sent me spiralling downwards, hard and fast. And straight back to picking up again.

I started going to AA, and even went to a Sobriety Sisters retreat. Which I loved, I had so many tears that weekend, I heard so many stories that were so like my own. It really helped me knowing I wasn’t the only one battling this horrible addiction.

I tried real hard with AA, I found myself a sponsor and did did the first step. That was the easy one, I wouldn’t have been there if I didn’t want help. In no way am I against this fellowship, it has worked for so many. My best friend is testament to that. But I can’t seem to get my head around the Higher Power process.

My husband and I recently watched a tv series on SBS called Addiction Australia. And I’ve decided to take a different path. I contacted Live Life Well, which is an addiction program that I can access locally. I had my first appointment with them yesterday. Telling your story is hard, and there were a few tears. I came out of the session with some tools to get me through the next week, and I see her again next week. I feel good about my path ahead.

My only downfall is the lack of support from my husband. He thinks that I should just be able to ‘snap’ out of my depression and my dependence on alcohol. I get why he gets upset with me, I’m a train wreck. The house is a mess, he doesn’t understand that I have no desire to do anything but just sit on the lounge or go to bed for the day. I get the jobs done that are a necessity like washing a cooking, but that is all.

I have made an appointment with my GP, who has been looking after my mental health for the last 20 years, to see what we can do medically to get me through this.

I have made a commitment to myself to try and journal everyday to both document my progress and to also shed some of my feelings that I’m having.

One day at a time

D x

Day 20…….

Boy the last week has been a bit of a struggle. But I made it!

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about Alcoholism and Sobriety. I have found that they have been more of a trigger for me than helping… so I have stopped and started reading for pleasure again. I have joined lots of facebook groups as well but I am slowly weeding them out and only keeping the ones that I have found that helps.

Late last week I joined our local 24/7 gym, and yesterday I took the plunge and did my first workout. I needed something to distract me from my usual 3 pm acid hour. I am hoping that it will become part of my daily routine, for both a distraction and for my health. It has been a long time since I have done any sort of exercise.. I always joked that exercise is dangerous, you can hurt yourself you know LOL. But I am determined to get it done! I need it for both my mental health and my physical health as well.

I have also signed up to do a 12 month, self paced Horticulture course. I have always had a interest in gardening and have been thinking about studying for quite a while…. so I jumped right in and did it. I am looking for any distraction that I can find right now to keep me busy and focused on anything other that picking up again.

I did have a low point the other day and poured myself a drink, I then swore pretty hard at myself and poured it down the sink. I thought about how great I have been feeling without alcohol and how far I have come in just a few short weeks, and I also felt shame that I was weak and how would my friends and family feel if they knew I had caved. I poured the rest of the bottle of vodka (not even my drink of choice!) down the sink, and went outside to my garden.

I am so glad that I didn’t take that first sip. And I need to remember that feeling of being in charge next time I feel weak and hopeless.

Words I need to remember.

Until next time.

D xx

I did it!

Yes, I did! 12 days AF – 2 weekends!

This past weekend we went to the coast to spend a few days on our boat on the Gold Coast. This is usually when I start with some beers with lunch, and then onto wine/ bubbles and a cheese platter. Along comes dinner, and I am off to bed before it is even ready. NOT THIS TIME!

I was fully present for the whole weekend with my kids. There was a bit of a hick-up Saturday when my daughter, her partner and my husband decided that a few beers were needed, they were fairly pissy by the time bed time rolled around. I was so angry that he couldn’t support me, and it was just throwing it back in my face that I wasn’t drinking. We talked about it the next morning and he apologised. I reminded him how much of a struggle it is for me. I don’t mind him having a few drinks, but to get drunk in front of me was beyond a joke.

I got through this time by attending our Virtual AA National Conference on Zoom. This was held in the city that I’ve started going to my AA meetings and our group leader was the Chairperson for a lot of the discussions that I wanted to listen too. My husband loaded everyone up in the tender and went for a drive to look at the other boats while the ones that I wanted to listen too so I wouldn’t be disturbed. He got one thing right for the weekend.

Tomorrow I am off to my next meeting feeling a lot better about what is going to happen there. I am going with a open mind and heart.

D xx

The start of my recovery from alcoholism

Hello, I’m Donna and I am a alcoholic.

Hi there, a bit about me to start. I am 49 years old and live in country Queensland, Australia. We have a rural block just on the outskirts of town.

I am a mother of 2 girls (Kirsten and Amanda) and have two gorgeous grand daughters, 4 & 1, and I have one amazing son-in-law.

My husband and I have been married for 26 years last month, we are childhood sweet hearts who met in high school.

Here we go……… story.

I have suffered depression since 2001. My husband bought a new business 2 hours away and moved there to run the business for 10 months while we were preparing our current site to move the plant and equipment needed for the expansion.

I was home with a 2 and 4 year old while working full time at home doing home day care. After 4 months I started struggling with doing it all by myself. I had bouts of depression earlier over the years and stuck my head in the sand and didn’t seek help…… But I needed help this time.

I quit my job after seeing my GP, and focused on my family and my recovery. And then I started drinking and drinking. I was a social drinker before that, now I was drinking at home alone.

At the start it was just a couple of glasses of scotch a night. I’m not sure when it escalated to out of control..

The last 4 years have been one big binge. Drinking at least a bottle and a half of wine. I would be in bed by 6:30 every night. I would wake up the next morning not really remembering going to bed. I ask my husband something in the morning and he would look at my in disgust and he would tell me that he told me that last night….. “Gee that wine is a good isn’t it? ” he would say. I then started not asking him anything, I didn’t want the judgement from him. This led to a communication breakdown between us. Every morning when I would wake up I would be disgusted with myself, telling myself that I wouldn’t drink that night. Until 3 o’clock…. I found myself watching the clock waiting for that time to roll around, sometimes I started earlier, because, it was nearly 3 right?

I would slam that first bottle down in just over an hour, I would prep dinner, and keep drinking. By the time my husband got home I was plastered, if he was working back, the 2nd bottle would be gone too. I would hide my wine glass so he couldn’t find it.

The next morning I would find that glass behind the coffee machine. I would be disgusted in myself all over again.

About 12 months ago my daughters sat me down and told me that they were worried about me and my drinking. I got angry with them, I don’t have a problem was going through my mind. Even when my daughter told me that she wouldn’t leave the girls with my overnight by myself because I would be too drunk to attend to them. It hurt, but it didn’t stop me.

Fast forward to 9 days ago, it was the night before our anniversary. I was drunk when my husband got home from work. I had left a message for someone to call my back about something I wanted done at home. He rang at 6, I couldn’t even have a conversation with him. My husband snatched the phone off me to finish the conversation. I have no memory of that phone call. I went to bed straight after. After he finished that call, he came into me and told me that if I kept it up, there wouldn’t be another year to celebrate let alone 26.

I laid in bed in tears. I messaged my best friend (my drinking partner) who is now sober and going to AA and asked for help. When she got the message she rang me. My husband still had my phone so he answered it and put it on speaker phone. I barely remember their conversation but I do remember how worried about me. She messaged me an told me that she would be here at 7:30 the next morning.

I was up and showered and ready for her when she arrived. I knew it was time to do something. She convinced me to come to her women’s only AA meeting in our next town. I said I would, Lots of tears were shed by both of us that morning. She kept in constant contact with me during the day.

That afternoon was relatively easy when it came to wine o’clock. I took myself outside and spent 2 hours in the garden. By then Craig was home. I was feeling great! I kept telling myself that I have got this. He hovered over me all night, asking me if I was ok…. he drove me mental!

The next day was Friday. Craig usually goes to golf with his mates after work, he didn’t want to go. I made him, I told him I didn’t need a baby sitter, and he was smothering me. Off he went. And then the cravings started. I went out to the garden again, but it didn’t work. All I could think of was a nice cold glass of wine. I came inside and jumped on the computer and started researching alcoholism.

I found this on Pinterest and it just smacked me in the face.

Roll on the rest of the weekend, I looked at the quote about 10 times over the weekend. It helped me get through the cravings.

I was lucky enough that I didn’t have any detox symptoms except being exhausted.

Wednesday arrived and I was sick to the stomach all day. Tonight was going to be my first AA meeting. I spent the day on the couch researching online about what happens at your first meeting. I logged into a women’s only 24 hour online AA meeting. I’m like What the fuck???? This is nothing like me! I logged our after only 5 minutes. I remembered then what Kylie told me, look for similarities to your story no differences, and that made sense.

3 o’clock was here, instead of craving a drink, I jumped in the shower and then picked Kylie up and we headed off. After some retail plant shopping it was time to go to my first AA meeting.

I was so nervous and still sick to the stomach, but I was here. Wow! I was so surprised about how they welcomed me with open arms. The leader told me that I didn’t need to speak tonight, I told her I wasn’t going to.

I sat back close to tears the whole meeting, but I took everything in. I walked out feeling good, knowing that I wasn’t alone in my journey. I also bought my AA big book and told the girls that I would be back next week!

Even though I was apprehensive I was so glad that I had gone. I’m so happy that I have my bestie there holding my hand, I don’t think I would have gone to a meeting by myself.

I have joined a few women’s only Facebook groups where they share their sobriety stories. I have yet to share, but I am sure once I feel comfortable with them I will.

Every afternoon has been a struggle, but my garden has never looked so good lol

Today is the start of day 8, and I decided to start this blog to keep myself accountable and to also read back on how far I have come.

Donna xx